I locked myself in the bathroom at work late one Friday night. The lock was already broken and as I went to close it, my hand slipped and I slammed it closed with way too much force. It wasn't tell I was about to leave that I realized that it had jammed. I tried to open it but it wouldn't budge and I began to worry that I would be stuck in the bathroom until Monday.
So I started to plan for my new future living in a bathroom stall. I took a vote and was elected leader. For my first duty I tried to construct a fort and blanket using toilet seat covers and a a fire using toilet paper and my lighter. I had water to drink and bathe in and obviously a place for waste. I also had a 17 tic tacs that I planned to ration through the weekend and plenty of reading material on the walls.
I tried to do SOS messages in morse code with toilet flushes but I had to wait so long between flushes that I don't think anyone was getting it. I then panicked and ate all 17 tic tacs I had.
**I thought I'd leave a legacy on the walls for the generations of people who would come after me. So I tried to think of what I deemed to be most important and what I would think best represent me and the world around me.
I started with some of my favorite quotes, words I live by. For example, "Love me, hate me, say what you want about me. But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek amy". or "There's always gonna be another mountain. I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there. Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb". From Dr. Spears & Dr. Cyrus respectively. Yes, I'm sure by the time these words are found, they both will be doctors. **
I then reasoned with god and promised never to use the handicap stall again. I know that I am able-bodied but really, those stalls have more room for me to put my purse down and how can he expect me not to want that?
And some of you may ask me why I didn't just crawl under the door and to you I say, "um gross, it's a bathroom floor and way too disgusting to crawl on".
And the hand dryer told me that everything would be okay and if I push hard enough I could probably pop the door open. Which I did. So now I avoid that stall and I remember to thank the hand dryer when we run into each other.
* Section separated by **...does it add anything?? Is the ending strong enough??
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I thought "all the boys and all the girls were begging to F-@-#-K me"
ReplyDeleteI like this story, I think it has lots of funny bits in it. But I'm a little lost at one point... you say you have water, but you're locked in the stall, not the entire bathroom... does that mean you would drink the toilet water? Yuck!
ReplyDeleteI don't know the Cyrus song. Not sure if that is because I'm just out of the loop or if you should look for more recogonizable lyrics.
ReplyDeleteYou haven't heard "the climb" from the very popular hannah montana movie?? for shame! lol I think some may get it, some may not. I think it's more recognizable then her other song I was considering, party in the usa. about the water...i carry a water bottle with me in purse...i should clarify that. maybe....
ReplyDelete"i have water. no not from the toilet, from a bottle in my purse. " maybe make a point of saying i'm classy, etc.
Not even sure if it is needed... you could say you have water, and not specify the uses, unless you have another punch line, you might move on to the next joke instead.
ReplyDeleteBut if you have a punch line, use it... "I have water to drink... no, not from the toilet! from my flash... alcoholic is mostly water right?
or go the other way... I know I had water because I had remembered to grab my Dasani Canteen. (then you can go on a juxtaposition rant: olden times vs modern concepts.)
Hmm...I like the flask idea.
ReplyDeletegood think you can read what I meant to spell...
ReplyDeleteThis is a funny story. It's one that will fill a good amount of time, which will come in handy in a longer set.
ReplyDeleteThe funniest part to me was, the making deals with God to never use the handi-stall again. Also, I like the details about the rationing and the uses of all the resources in the stall.
I don't get the lyrics part...but some will. I think you should go in the direction of writing or reading more common sayings written on bathroom stalls.
Like maybe, "I was really bored, but thankfully there was plenty of reading material on the walls." Examples... "here I sit broken harted..." ect.